Marriage Isn’t For You

Marriage Isn’t For You:

So recently in my facebook feed, a lot of people have been sharing this blog entry titled “Marriage isn’t for you” (Link to the blog above): Women mostly. With comments like: “THIS. OMG.” etc.

So I clicked on it. Basically this dude wrote a Nicholas Sparks themed blog post that I’m sure he meant very much except that I took great exception to it. You see in his post he says:

1. Marriage isn’t for you. It’s for the other person.

2. Marriage is for your future family

3.Marriage isn’t for selfish people.

Here’s my problem. I AM SELFISH. So is my wife. We are artists, who often alienate ourselves from each other and the public. So yeah I guess that makes us selfish people.

When I got with Brea, everything made sense. I finally understood why it didn’t work with anyone else. It was because as a selfish person, I was going through the wrong compromised motions becoming  unhappy and it made all my previous relationships terrible because I was a monster trying to live in the village so to speak.

Then I got with Brea, who let me be myself. She let me be the musician I needed to be, and the moody writer who needs his space and also needs to swig whiskey and yell at things as long as he produces stories and songs. Then when we collaborated it was magic because she was the glue and the slave driving task master who kept me on track and not afraid to call me out when I got lazy or missed a deadline.

I was happy of who I was when I was with her. My addictive personality needed her around. Like that talentless hack sang in a song, I liked it, so I put a ring on it. I wanted her to always be with me. I wanted her to keep inspiring me and drive me to do better. In short… I was selfish. And I still am.

As for kids or a future family…. We go to the grocery store and watch you guys deal with your bad ass kids in public as a form of birth control. We aren’t really trying for all that. If for some reason, it would happen to us, we would rock it, but let’s face it, we would rather have pet rats than kids. They are definitely cuter and I don’t have to pay for college.

I’m sure the guy who wrote this means well, I’m sure it must be nice to marry his high school sweetheart, but let’s face it dude, you are like in a one percent class all your own, real life, real people and real situations happen to the rest of us. So please… keep your romantic movie moment where you’re dad gives you tear jerking advice to yourself, and stop giving some weak minded people a roadmap for marriage.

Marriage isn’t about what you say it is. It’s not about what I say it is. It’s about what two people want and we aren’t included.

It’s More Than A Ring Size

With our wedding coming in October, I went to get sized for a ring today after work.

I had not been sized for any jewelry (I don’t really wear any) since the first time I tried the marriage thing in 2005.

My ring finger got a size bigger..

It’s probably because in the last 8 years, I have switched career paths and now that I am older and working with my hands, my joints have begun to swell, but I like to think it’s because I have grown as a person instead.

There have been many changes in my life. I do not regret them. Even though my first marraige ended after 3 years and left me in the worst state of my life, it forced me to grow, put me in a new situation, and let me get creative again.

Everything I have accomplished in the last 5 years would not have been possible. I would have never “gotten the band back together”, I would have never written the books I did or gone to so many conventions. I surely would not have started the podcast with Brea, and even more… I would never have gotten together with Brea.

Our story, our path, is long and complicated. Almost as if God were testing us, we found ourselves thrust into bad situations with money, downsizing, moves, scene politics and project after project.

Unlike any other girl I have been with, Brea not only has stuck things out, she has been my partner in everything. When I feel like giving up, she makes me take a step back and assures me that togerter, we can do anything.

As an artist and a creative person, it means the world to me. As a man, it makes me want to make her my wife, and as the luckiest person in the world, she still hasn’t backed out yet.

My Own Independence Day

Today marks what would have been my 7th wedding anniversary and also the 4th anniversary of the day we filed for divorce. I am not bitter about it at all. I have learned a lot the past few years, the most important was that through complete sadness and devastation, the circle completes itself and life goes on.

When she left, I was crushed. I had given up playing in multiple bands, playing a lot of out of town shows, and my solo music was all but stopped. I became a family man in those three years and suddenly found myself without a family to take care of, and suddenly alone, with a huge black void in my life.

I never understood why she left back then. Things were good, the bills were paid, we went out to eat regularly, I took care of my own laundry, I loved her daughter… on the surface we looked like we had a pretty good life, we had it figured out. My life was shattered the day I found out what I had been dreading the past week or so, and it was only made worse by the fact that instead of working things out or even acknowledging what I discovered, she refused to help repair it and left.

The next year was a healing year, spent with a lot of nights drinking wine on the patio with my understanding parents, reforming the band called The Loveletter which would save my life, and lots of traveling to take my mind off things. I went to Europe, Seattle, Ohio, LA, on tour with the band, writing trips with, anywhere that would take me out of the town I was in to forget where I was.

In the midst of all that traveling, I found myself again. The guy I was before he got married. The guy people fall in love with, not the castrati that so many men become when they enter into a relationship they think is right. I became the wanderer again. The musician who will play any gig just to play and I finally understood why it didn’t work.

She didn’t want a guy like me. Most women marry men hoping they will change, most men marry women hoping they never will. The biggest mistake anyone can make is hoping they can change them, When I talked to my ex wife months later, she said something like “You never spent time with us at night, you were always in your office writing something, never downstairs watching TV with us”. And she was right. I never did. I had to write. I wasn’t playing music, I had to do something creative or I would die a slow death. I say reality TV as a waste of time, and so while that was probably a  comfort to her to spend time with someone, I was busy scratching this creative itch I had. She wanted a house. I never did. I still don’t want to be tied down to this town, I dream of taking off to another city, anywhere but here, and starting over. It’s the nomad in me.

The band took off, my writing has kept me busy, I wasn’t even aware how much I had gotten over everything until I was on the other side looking back.

It sounds silly but I have this idea that God wants me for something else, and it doesn’t involve the traditional marriage set up. I’m not knocking it, love is a beautiful thing. But I think that God has a bigger role in line for me and it involves music art, and being unchained. I think that when I met my ex, I was doing what everyone expected me to do and God said “OK Tim, I’m going to give this to you… for awhile so you can see how it is, then I am going to take it away because you have work to do.” It sounds stupid but that’s what I believe when I think of all the stupid things I have done in my life and close calls I have had, how could I not?

Now? I’m here doing the work the good Lord set me out to do. I’m making music, pushing music, living day by day, making art and enjoying everything it has to offer. I have a new person in my life that not only wants me to write and make music, she pushes me to do it and calls me out on things and projects I don’t finish. I truly understand now the type of person I was meant to be with this whole time. I am happy, but not complacent, because together the two of us push each other to the next goal, and it is an awesome feeling to have someone as passionate about things as I am.

Do I miss my old life? A piece of me will regret not seeing her daughter grow up. She was innocent in the whole thing. But if half the things my ex wife told me were true, maybe that would have made me a bad dad. I don’t know. I was never invited to any birthdays or events about her life after the big D so I probably will never know. I used to try to meet up with her and take her out to eat, but that changed after a lot of cancellations, I guess I finally got the hint. That is one loose end that will have me question things. But I have to be confident in the fact that she is in a stable home, and if she wants, I will always be around if she needs someone like me in her life, I am never hard to find.

Happy Independence Day to me.